GUESS WHO WROTE A POEMMMMMM

I know I can’t ignore the fact that I blew this off for an inexcusable amount of time…but I did write a poem (insert sly face emoji)

There have been a lot of things moving and shaking even though I’ve been radio silent on here. I would get so nervous to write because some part of me feels like my writing is only ever good if I’m SUFFERING. idk just girly thoughts, yanno? Anyways, I got engaged (best day of my life and every day sinceeeee) He’s perfect and amazing - but this is about me, sorry Joe!

I got a new job #SeeyaStaples BUT honestly - hardest job I’ve ever left. The people I worked with were outstanding and definitely a bittersweet change. But aren’t they all, I guess? #insight GOT ANOTHER CAT. And guys…so help me God - she’s the last one. As my mother says, '“You can’t save them all Gabby.” That’s the highlight reel version but you get the point.

BUT BUT of all things, I picked up my phone and wrote a poem. I’ll share it at the end here but first, it feels important to highlight why this is such a big deal. My initial thought was, “oh shit, I wrote a poem. I guess that means I’m depressed again!” Dramatic much? Really, though, there is such a tangible fear I have when it comes to facing my writing block. I mean, life is a super easy excuse. Yeah, I just haven’t had time. Such a cop out. Always find time for things that heal you. WISDOM.

After giving myself grief for waiting until I felt something negative to write again, I fell hard on what I decided to write about. The piece is called 90 Days and it sparked from a late evening panic I had while watching Felicity on Hulu.

(it’s a 90’s romcom drama following a girl who follows her HS crush to college across the country…healthy, right?)

Anyways - I was doing my little pre-sleep checklist…and it hit me like a big ‘ol sack of TATERS. I never picked up my prescription for CVS. The pharmacy was about to close and I sped down the street in pink flamingo pajamas, with maybe 90 seconds to spare. All that was running through my head were the crazy ass dreams I would have if I didn’t get there in time.

When I got home and tucked into bed, I was annoyed with myself that I let it get that close. How did I let 90 days go by and almost forget. Then, I realized how I really just live my life 90 days at a time. And every time I pick up my prescription, it’s a reminder that I need it. Yeah the dreams are weird…but I mostly thought of those to keep my mind occupied while I drove…the withdrawal is intense…and I feel like no one ever talks about it - or even ever told me about it when I first started the medication.

Usually the early morning is cloudy, but I’m ok. Cloudy meaning my mind is racing in a million different directions, kind of like normal, but with a little more vibration. By 10-11am, if I haven’t caught on yet my eyes start doing the weird slow motion thing. Imagine the Mr. Krabs meme where his surroundings start to swirl…DON’T WORRY I’M A VISUAL LEARNER TOO.

SO, when those funny blurry things start happening, I realize the mistake and rush to take the pill. All better then, right? WRONG - these babies are slowwww release. In other words, we have about 3-4 more hours of the fun tunnel vision. Throw in some sweating, shaking, fever, and if we’re feeling spicy, some light nausea! Just some things I wish I knew when signing up.

Don’t get me wrong, this only happens once in a blue moon - but once is more than enough to freak me out. In my head - the logic is that if I’m happy and all of these great things are happening in my life, then I don’t even need the medicine anymore…Right? As if needing it is contingent on the bad things happening around me. It’s easy to forget how unfair that makes me sound to me.

It’s funny because I call them my happy pills, but lately, every time I take them, I feel guilty for having to be so reliant on those little capsules. Also, an aside - I know that medication for the chemicals in your brain are no less important for medication to help some other vital organ. I just can’t shake the feeling lately that I’m cheating. It’s like I’m on the golf course and using a handicap, and then STILL complaining to the people starting way further back. (analogy sounded better in my head…)

Regardless, I’ve been putting this pressure on myself to think about lowering my dose. AHHHH I honestly have no idea how to even begin that journey, but I have a slightly nervous feeling it starts with finding a new therapisttttt :’) Can’t wait.

I don’t know - in my mind, this was important for me to blog about. I know this may make some people uncmfy, because it really is not talked about much. I want to try and change that. I promised myself when I made this blog that I was going to be utterly truthful…which means limiting how many times I erase a sentence before convincing myself that it’s ok to speak freely. This is my platform - I don’t have all the answers, but I’m hoping that if I document even the struggles, maybe ONE person can take something away.

WELL I did promise a poem - so a poem I shall deliver…in italics..fancy :’)

90 Days

Pop off the top of a brand new bottle

Topped off right, can’t imagine the bottom

90 full days to get 90 days fulfilled

in 90 more days I won’t need these pills.

A week in is comfortable

Haven’t even put a dent in this mental novel

I haven’t even thought to think to seek counsel

Only the first missed chance of the cycle

A week in is very comfortable

There are 11 more available.

A month down and I almost didn’t realize

Only noticed when I woke up feeling not as high

Reminder to keep some hidden, set aside

Something so routine; a slip turns to landslides

A dangerous reminder that I’m not fine.

Living my life 90 days at a time

Somewhere in the middle I lost track of my mind

If they’re working, then I don’t need to reduce mine?

Mental arguments convincing myself it’s not a crime

to need something to feel even just a little fine.

The bottle is rattling, time to pick up

Using FDA approved chemicals to refill my cup

I feel like I’m running on caffeine and luck

Just praying this cycle is good for me, not keeping me stuck.

Be well, I hope I write soon. Feel free to reach out and chat about anything! God speed little chickens