Heavy Thoughts
Hi my little muffins - it’s been a minute, but let’s pick up right where we left off (and we can ignore my avoiding writing for 5 months…). I hope your day has been better than mine. Summer is always a hard time to embrace my body and have bOdy pOsItIViTy. Ughhhh… I am very proud of my writing, my strength, and the things that I have overcome. But…I want this blog to be about ALL things me - not just the good stuff. My last blog was about body image/positivity. I know to some people, I’m thin and to others I’m fat and overweight. I know that appearances are subjective and everyone has their own views - but today… right now I feel really really fat - and there is no good reason for it.
I’ve been trying to preach to the high heavens that if you love yourself completely - that your confidence will shine through and that’s what makes someone truly beautiful - THAT IS STILL TRUE. But, I mean guys…the past few days, I cannot keep my chin up. I look at girls that are a couple years younger than me (the true gen z-ers) and their entire social media revolves around looking like a Barbie. (ALSO FUCK BARBIE) I know way too many people that use photoshop and apps to help them change the way they look. Social media SUCKS in that way.
In college, there were times that l would feel guilty for eating a fully nutritious, well rounded meal, while my friends gnawed on a bare salad. Starving yourself isn’t a beauty trend. Also, people can be thin without eating nutritiously. I know people that are small and can eat junk all day. That’s what gets upsetting - I am a HEALTHY WOMAN. I eat a full, well rounded diet, I portion properly and enjoy a sweet every now and then -and that in and of itself is beautiful. I will never be smaller than a size 8. It’s not physically possible for me. And somehow, I’m supposed to look at myself in the mirror every morning and say “hey there beautiful” when every single damn thing in the world is designed to make me feel anything but beautiful. We live in such a fucking toxic world. I just want to feel beautiful - but because of societal standards made up by some crusty old white guy in the beauty industry, I don’t fit that mold.
I am fat - it’s an adjective and that’s it. I am also athletic, broad, and strong. Since my size isn’t a single letter or a single digit number, I’m cast to the Plus Sized department…named to make any woman above a 14 feel ashamed. Women’s “standard sizes” make me feel uncomfortable buying clothes that actually fit me . I will never be able to shop at “cute” boutiques like Hello Molly, Pink n Flare, etc. The list goes on forever. Since when did “boutique” shops turn into “we only carry sizes for 00-4, sometimes a 6 and our only demographic is white blondes” ? Oh - AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON BRANDY MELVILLE. Girls/Women that are typically a size small are buying mediums and sometimes larges because companies are making clothes TOO DAMN SMALL. If every person is sizing up - just make the fucking clothes bigger. It’s infuriating. I’ve seen people online getting mad that “smaller girls are buying out all the larger sizes, so there are none left” BUT WHY ARE WE MAD AT THEM AND NOT THE COMPANIESSSS. UGH see now I got myself all fired up. Please don’t be angry at other women - we’re all in this together #womenempowermentFTW
Also - while I’m thinking of it - can everyone please agree that just because someone is “so thin” to you, doesn’t mean they are to themselves. EVERYONE has body image problems at one point or another regardless of size. ALSO THIN DOESN’T MEAN PRETTY. (and fat doesn’t mean ugly…it goes both ways).
I’ve been all over the place in this post. I’m sorry if my opinions are offensive to anyone - but I feel that if I’m not being 100% authentic with you guys, then why even write. I’ll try and be better about getting my ideas written down. I’m thinking about talking about therapy next, but I’m open to suggestions. Even if there are things, you wanna gabb about that I’ve written about already, lmk!! Keep your heads up and know that even if you take a 4 month hiatus you can keep on keepin’ on with a little courage :’)
P.S. “In owning the parts of me that I so badly wanted to ignore and hide, I’ve dismantled the shame I’ve held for years, and began building self acceptance for myself in it’s place.” - Lenea Sims
