90 Days

GUESS WHO WROTE A POEMMMMMM

I know I can’t ignore the fact that I blew this off for an inexcusable amount of time…but I did write a poem (insert sly face emoji)

There have been a lot of things moving and shaking even though I’ve been radio silent on here. I would get so nervous to write because some part of me feels like my writing is only ever good if I’m SUFFERING. idk just girly thoughts, yanno? Anyways, I got engaged (best day of my life and every day sinceeeee) He’s perfect and amazing - but this is about me, sorry Joe!

I got a new job #SeeyaStaples BUT honestly - hardest job I’ve ever left. The people I worked with were outstanding and definitely a bittersweet change. But aren’t they all, I guess? #insight GOT ANOTHER CAT. And guys…so help me God - she’s the last one. As my mother says, '“You can’t save them all Gabby.” That’s the highlight reel version but you get the point.

BUT BUT of all things, I picked up my phone and wrote a poem. I’ll share it at the end here but first, it feels important to highlight why this is such a big deal. My initial thought was, “oh shit, I wrote a poem. I guess that means I’m depressed again!” Dramatic much? Really, though, there is such a tangible fear I have when it comes to facing my writing block. I mean, life is a super easy excuse. Yeah, I just haven’t had time. Such a cop out. Always find time for things that heal you. WISDOM.

After giving myself grief for waiting until I felt something negative to write again, I fell hard on what I decided to write about. The piece is called 90 Days and it sparked from a late evening panic I had while watching Felicity on Hulu.

(it’s a 90’s romcom drama following a girl who follows her HS crush to college across the country…healthy, right?)

Anyways - I was doing my little pre-sleep checklist…and it hit me like a big ‘ol sack of TATERS. I never picked up my prescription for CVS. The pharmacy was about to close and I sped down the street in pink flamingo pajamas, with maybe 90 seconds to spare. All that was running through my head were the crazy ass dreams I would have if I didn’t get there in time.

When I got home and tucked into bed, I was annoyed with myself that I let it get that close. How did I let 90 days go by and almost forget. Then, I realized how I really just live my life 90 days at a time. And every time I pick up my prescription, it’s a reminder that I need it. Yeah the dreams are weird…but I mostly thought of those to keep my mind occupied while I drove…the withdrawal is intense…and I feel like no one ever talks about it - or even ever told me about it when I first started the medication.

Usually the early morning is cloudy, but I’m ok. Cloudy meaning my mind is racing in a million different directions, kind of like normal, but with a little more vibration. By 10-11am, if I haven’t caught on yet my eyes start doing the weird slow motion thing. Imagine the Mr. Krabs meme where his surroundings start to swirl…DON’T WORRY I’M A VISUAL LEARNER TOO.

SO, when those funny blurry things start happening, I realize the mistake and rush to take the pill. All better then, right? WRONG - these babies are slowwww release. In other words, we have about 3-4 more hours of the fun tunnel vision. Throw in some sweating, shaking, fever, and if we’re feeling spicy, some light nausea! Just some things I wish I knew when signing up.

Don’t get me wrong, this only happens once in a blue moon - but once is more than enough to freak me out. In my head - the logic is that if I’m happy and all of these great things are happening in my life, then I don’t even need the medicine anymore…Right? As if needing it is contingent on the bad things happening around me. It’s easy to forget how unfair that makes me sound to me.

It’s funny because I call them my happy pills, but lately, every time I take them, I feel guilty for having to be so reliant on those little capsules. Also, an aside - I know that medication for the chemicals in your brain are no less important for medication to help some other vital organ. I just can’t shake the feeling lately that I’m cheating. It’s like I’m on the golf course and using a handicap, and then STILL complaining to the people starting way further back. (analogy sounded better in my head…)

Regardless, I’ve been putting this pressure on myself to think about lowering my dose. AHHHH I honestly have no idea how to even begin that journey, but I have a slightly nervous feeling it starts with finding a new therapisttttt :’) Can’t wait.

I don’t know - in my mind, this was important for me to blog about. I know this may make some people uncmfy, because it really is not talked about much. I want to try and change that. I promised myself when I made this blog that I was going to be utterly truthful…which means limiting how many times I erase a sentence before convincing myself that it’s ok to speak freely. This is my platform - I don’t have all the answers, but I’m hoping that if I document even the struggles, maybe ONE person can take something away.

WELL I did promise a poem - so a poem I shall deliver…in italics..fancy :’)

90 Days

Pop off the top of a brand new bottle

Topped off right, can’t imagine the bottom

90 full days to get 90 days fulfilled

in 90 more days I won’t need these pills.

A week in is comfortable

Haven’t even put a dent in this mental novel

I haven’t even thought to think to seek counsel

Only the first missed chance of the cycle

A week in is very comfortable

There are 11 more available.

A month down and I almost didn’t realize

Only noticed when I woke up feeling not as high

Reminder to keep some hidden, set aside

Something so routine; a slip turns to landslides

A dangerous reminder that I’m not fine.

Living my life 90 days at a time

Somewhere in the middle I lost track of my mind

If they’re working, then I don’t need to reduce mine?

Mental arguments convincing myself it’s not a crime

to need something to feel even just a little fine.

The bottle is rattling, time to pick up

Using FDA approved chemicals to refill my cup

I feel like I’m running on caffeine and luck

Just praying this cycle is good for me, not keeping me stuck.

Be well, I hope I write soon. Feel free to reach out and chat about anything! God speed little chickens

Heavy Thoughts

Hi my little muffins - it’s been a minute, but let’s pick up right where we left off (and we can ignore my avoiding writing for 5 months…). I hope your day has been better than mine. Summer is always a hard time to embrace my body and have bOdy pOsItIViTy. Ughhhh… I am very proud of my writing, my strength, and the things that I have overcome. But…I want this blog to be about ALL things me - not just the good stuff. My last blog was about body image/positivity. I know to some people, I’m thin and to others I’m fat and overweight. I know that appearances are subjective and everyone has their own views - but today… right now I feel really really fat - and there is no good reason for it.

I’ve been trying to preach to the high heavens that if you love yourself completely - that your confidence will shine through and that’s what makes someone truly beautiful - THAT IS STILL TRUE. But, I mean guys…the past few days, I cannot keep my chin up. I look at girls that are a couple years younger than me (the true gen z-ers) and their entire social media revolves around looking like a Barbie. (ALSO FUCK BARBIE) I know way too many people that use photoshop and apps to help them change the way they look. Social media SUCKS in that way.

In college, there were times that l would feel guilty for eating a fully nutritious, well rounded meal, while my friends gnawed on a bare salad. Starving yourself isn’t a beauty trend. Also, people can be thin without eating nutritiously. I know people that are small and can eat junk all day. That’s what gets upsetting - I am a HEALTHY WOMAN. I eat a full, well rounded diet, I portion properly and enjoy a sweet every now and then -and that in and of itself is beautiful. I will never be smaller than a size 8. It’s not physically possible for me. And somehow, I’m supposed to look at myself in the mirror every morning and say “hey there beautiful” when every single damn thing in the world is designed to make me feel anything but beautiful. We live in such a fucking toxic world. I just want to feel beautiful - but because of societal standards made up by some crusty old white guy in the beauty industry, I don’t fit that mold.

I am fat - it’s an adjective and that’s it. I am also athletic, broad, and strong. Since my size isn’t a single letter or a single digit number, I’m cast to the Plus Sized department…named to make any woman above a 14 feel ashamed. Women’s “standard sizes” make me feel uncomfortable buying clothes that actually fit me . I will never be able to shop at “cute” boutiques like Hello Molly, Pink n Flare, etc. The list goes on forever. Since when did “boutique” shops turn into “we only carry sizes for 00-4, sometimes a 6 and our only demographic is white blondes” ? Oh - AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON BRANDY MELVILLE. Girls/Women that are typically a size small are buying mediums and sometimes larges because companies are making clothes TOO DAMN SMALL. If every person is sizing up - just make the fucking clothes bigger. It’s infuriating. I’ve seen people online getting mad that “smaller girls are buying out all the larger sizes, so there are none left” BUT WHY ARE WE MAD AT THEM AND NOT THE COMPANIESSSS. UGH see now I got myself all fired up. Please don’t be angry at other women - we’re all in this together #womenempowermentFTW

Also - while I’m thinking of it - can everyone please agree that just because someone is “so thin” to you, doesn’t mean they are to themselves. EVERYONE has body image problems at one point or another regardless of size. ALSO THIN DOESN’T MEAN PRETTY. (and fat doesn’t mean ugly…it goes both ways).

I’ve been all over the place in this post. I’m sorry if my opinions are offensive to anyone - but I feel that if I’m not being 100% authentic with you guys, then why even write. I’ll try and be better about getting my ideas written down. I’m thinking about talking about therapy next, but I’m open to suggestions. Even if there are things, you wanna gabb about that I’ve written about already, lmk!! Keep your heads up and know that even if you take a 4 month hiatus you can keep on keepin’ on with a little courage :’)

P.S. “In owning the parts of me that I so badly wanted to ignore and hide, I’ve dismantled the shame I’ve held for years, and began building self acceptance for myself in it’s place.” - Lenea Sims

Hottie w/ a Body

Ayooooo my lil twinkies - long time no GAB! AHHHHHH, the weather is turning and that heavy weighted blanket of seasonal depression is slowly lifting off of us. BUT - with that, comes the anxiety of summer clothes and “bathing suit bod” mentalities. Well I’m here to say that FUCK that and I have a little bit to dive into today about eating, dieting, body image, and all things around the subject of being “thin”. STRAP IN BECAUSE I’M KINDA PISSED.

My therapist - the lovely unicorn that she is - never fails to make me absolutely break down during a session…something I like to call an emotional breakthrough. Today we were talking about when I weigh myself, I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I see that number drop because it’s an actual - tangible change that I can measure. I can see it right in front of my eyes. BARFFFFF - I would launch my scale right off the edge of the earth if I could. The messed up thing is that I know it’s not good to weigh yourself every day - I KNOWWWW - but that doesn’t stop me. I got really emotional because my therapist stopped me and asked what I look for in a friend - I thought about it and I replied that I like my friends because they all have big hearts and would do anything for each other. In that moment, I realized that no one in my life that I hold near and dear to my heart, likes me solely because of the way that I look. So this standard, that I am so desperately trying to reach, is a made up ideal that realistically only matters in our own minds. And, if I didn’t spend so much time trying to skip a snack, count my calories, or weigh my carbs, I could focus all of that energy on bettering who I actually am on the inside.

WOW RIGHT - what a trip. I was like - uh bitch u done did it again! I got so overtaken with emotion because I realized that super hot BF Joe, my family, and all of my buddies love me because of MY BIG ASS ATTITUDE, my bananas sense of humor, and my HEART. Not because I have a thin waste when I skip a big dinner the night before. AND MAY I ADD - being healthy, in a physical sense, comes in ALL DIFFERENT SHAPES. Skinny, like fat, is just an adjective that people use, but some how one of them got turned into an insult, while the other is a compliment.

WOW FEEL LIKE I STILL HAVE A LOT TO COVER. Hope you’re still strapped in.

As most of yall know - I’m super Italian, which means that my relationship with food is a very social thing. Yes, I said relationship with food. Most people don’t want to think of it that way, but when you boil everything down, the way that we interact with food makes up a hugely significant part of our lives. In my life, food was always around my family. If I didn’t eat my whole plate at dinner, it was sometimes considered rude. If I didn’t munch on a cheese plate when we had company over, people would look at me like I had 5 heads. Where there were loved ones in my life, there was a killer meal to go along with the event. AND I want to emphasize that this doesn’t make food the enemy. It’s important to have a good relationship with food throughout your life. Once you start depriving yourself of certain things altogether, you begin to hinder that relationship. That can end up leading to binging tendencies, which in the end hurts us way more than having a small helping of something unhealthy. The key is to balance and that’s where we can find a healthy lifestyle where building healthy HABITS is most important.

*sucks in a major deep breath* LEMME TALK TO YALL ABOUT SOME SKINNY PRIVILEGE.

Skinny privilege is real and people don’t call it for what it is. It is 100% true that women with smaller builds are looked at as more attractive, healthy, and all around more “appealing to men”. They are portrayed that way in mainstream media and have been for my entire life. Even in modern days with a shift in “the ideal image of beauty", plus sized models have curves in all of the right places and look like a blown up version of skinny models. This drives me absolutely crazy because such a small percentage of women actual look like that. Where is the representation??? When I buy something, I don’t want to have to click on the “plus sized” clothing tabs or wander to the back corner of the store where my size hides because my bust is bigger than average. It singles me out, makes me feel shameful of my body, and makes me want to lose more weight. THE CYCLE OF MADNESS and it’s all based around a created ideal that people get sucked into.

I’ll finish with this rant: When bigger girls dress the way they want, and show it off, people say this: (I’ll try not to scream)

“I love how confident you are.”

BITCH WHAT. That IS NOT a compliment. You’re insinuating that because they’re bigger, they need to have more confidence to show off their body ?? NOPEEEE. Listen, I know that it takes a lot to share pictures of yourself, for someone of any size, because social media has turned into a cesspool of “who’s picture can have the most comments”, but DO NOT single out bigger women for sharing their photos/videos by reminding them that it must have taken such courage to do so in the first place. Listen to me when I say, every single women deserves to be the most confident person when they walk into any damn room. I won’t speak for anyone else, but I have fought so damn hard to love myself, to keep myself alive through low points in life, and be proud of the woman I am today. SO YEAH, I will wear a crop top when I damn well feel like it - BECAUSE I CAN and I’ve earned the right to feel good about myself. (Not that it’s something that needs to be earned in the first place).

SO with summer around the corner - do not focus on dieting and counting your calories. If you’re concerned about your body, make healthier life choices that will give you more energy, make you feel happier, and push you to a brighter self image. It’s not just about the food either. Being healthy is a wholistic thing and it starts with the mind. Focus internally and the external results will follow. The first step in breaking the ideal image of beauty starts with you. Every individual has the power to make small changes that encompass an all inclusive idea of beautiful. Trust me when I say that when you enter a room, confidence glows from the inside REGARDLESS of what you look like on the outside. #happyspring and stay GORGEOUS DARLING.

Think B4 Ink?

Hi little dumplin’s - didn’t mean to keep you waiting for so long! I just got all in my head about what I was going to say and “ahh it has to be inspiring for the new year” kind of thing, but fuck that. HERE I AM - back with the regularly scheduled programming.

I didn’t write because I truly was not inspired by anything. I spent the holidays with my family and cat (aw) and then came back to Bahston to start my new job, so I’ve been busy routining and what not. There it is - that’s why I didn’t write…now shut up, we never have to bring it up again (until it inevitably happens again and I feel the need to explain myself to an audience of 7 people)

SO TODAY we talkin bout tatts. Yes, yes - let’s all get crazy about tattoos. LOL the title alludes to the fact that I think before I get tattoos - and that’s not entirely true. You see, I used to get so nervous, like a lot of people do before getting their first tattoo, until I just did it. I guess a part of me realized that I’m not very significant/perfect so why do my tattoos need to be? RIGHT - we all take ourselves way too seriously. Like…why should I be that concerned with where/what my first tattoo is? As if that’s going to be the end all of me, and not the fact that I publicly embarrass myself at least once a day.

BUT ANYWAYS - not thinking - that’s my forte. I got my first tattoo while abroad in Italy because I’m ~ cultured ~ LOL no - I got it in Italy because I had someone with me that was willing and able to take that leap of faith with me. We walked into a random tattoo shop that we semi researched and got some ink! #ShoutoutFran I pretty much knew I wanted a semi colon because of the meaning but I didn’t know any of my other tattoos until the day I got them.

I’m not writing this to tell you to get stupid tattoos. What I’m trying to communicate is that we need to stop taking ourselves so seriously. Life is beautiful and all of our individual lives are like pieces of art - even when that piece of art gets turned down by a guy, or maxes out their credit card, or gets the middle finger from a stranger. LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE AND WEIRD AND why am I saying this? Because when I look at my tattoos, I see the times I had control of myself, of my life, of my art.

On National Suicide Prevention Awareness Day in 2019, I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean, staring straight into the sky. I couldn’t get myself out of the nastiest, depressed funk. I really wanted to hurt myself. After practicing some techniques from my therapist, I was able to get dressed and leave my apartment. I needed to get away from the place that was keeping me down. On that day I walked into a tattoo shop and got 2 tattoos.

I got an ellipses on my wrist because that’s where I wanted to hurt myself and DIDN’T. (I also got a crescent moon because wtf not) WHAT I AM SAYING is I took control of myself and found a way to turn my sadness into another piece of beauty in my life. And that might not be what tattoos mean to you - that’s COOL! Do what you want - just don’t take yourself seriously and live with as few regrets as possible. The world might tell you that you’re going to look trashy, or you’ll have regrets when your old, but guess what? JOKES ON THEM I already have regrets :’) jk don’t let other people define happiness, beauty, life, etc for you. This is YOUR chance to be here and make it fun - so don’t ya wanna decorate the skin a lil before you peace out?

P.S. my tattoos do have meaning to me I just usually don’t know what until the day I get them. And if you’re my parents and you read this, no you didn’t :’)

P.P.S. “Forever is composed of nows.” - Emily muthafuckin Dickinson

(F)Unemployed

ELLO ALL MY TWINKLING LITTLE STARS and Merry Crisis to all of you!!!! Sorry for the hiatus - I mean it when I say - I genuinely had nothing to say for minute. I got super down and low on myself, feeling all ~I’ve peaked~ ish and it was no bueno. But, alas here we are - back and not too much better LOL but with something new to talk about. JK - ya gurl actually just landed a brand new gig and we’ll get into it all in a minute.

I know you all know that I lost my job in September (queue the world’s smallest violin) I know, I’m not special; more people than not lost their jobs this year #CovidCurse - AND I AIN’T GONNA LIE - in the beginning, I got a BIGGGG ego. I got a job offer from a company in less than a week from getting the boot. And, you guessed it- I SAID NO. Now, I know that everyone has a different situation they're in. I was fortunate enough to be able to hold out for a job that I felt passionate about and that would paid me what I felt I was worth. #DollaBillz. I was not ready to admit to myself that maybe I needed to take a step back before I launch my career forward. However - I did have a phenomenal support system back home and super hot bf Joe pulled through for being the world’s best shoulder to cry on. It all made getting through the tough unknowns a little easier.

BUT - you may be asking where I’m going with this…*focusing in on ADD* On more than one occasion, people questioned me about my social media/blog and whether or not I believed they were a factor in me not hearing back from more companies. Was I not getting interviews because I was checking yes to that “currently have or have a history of a disability” box? Hmm - I got to thinking…compromise who I am to fit into a corporate box…LMAOOOOO yeah right. I’ll be honest, there were a couple of times where I looked at the question on applications about “disabilities” and the lengthy list of vastly different things that qualify. I want to believe that more people than not are probably checking yes to that question. BUT, in my mind, since my “yes” was in relation to my mental illness - it MUST be a hindrance on my application…as if my application screams, “HEYYY OVER HERE - MENTAL INSTABILITY SAYING WHAT’S UP?!”

Barf! Now, I know that I can opt out of the question and that LEGALLY *wink wink* companies cannot discriminate based on disability. But, when it really came down to it - if I applied to a company and they found my blog, and THAT was the reason I didn't get an interview…then GOOD. I want people to see me expressing myself freely and positively. If they judge me based on that, then why would I want to work for them?! I will never, EVER compromise myself, or hide the things that make me different to get ahead in my career or any aspect of life. PERIODT.

Side Note:

~~If any of you have big families like I do, it’s sometimes hard for them to understand that way of thinking. The beauty in that problem is that I understand and we can Gabb about it together :) <3 If any of you ever feel lonely, out of it, or just want to chat, my inbox is always open!!! I don’t judge, and I’ll do my best to make y’all laugh! ~~

Listen - I know my situation is different than others. I had some savings that I had built up and was able to pull from it to take more time in my job search. I know not everyone has that luxury - so I’ll leave you with this universal advice - go forward in life being proud of who you are and never let anyone make you feel less than for being unforgivably YOU.

I love you all and I have felt so much support during this time - I owe ya! Let me know what else you want to read about and I’ll do my best to factor it in :) Peace~Love~Blessings

P.S. The job I landed is with a company super close to my apt. and I’ll be working as a Product Manager :)))

P.P.S. “When you have a million dollar vision, don’t surround yourself with one cent minds.”

Food for Thought

GOBBLE GOBBLE BITCHES! Helloooo all my little turkeys and Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you’re all feeling *thankful, grateful, blessed* I didn’t expect to write a post today, but the holidays can come with A LOT of stresses and cause some unusually high anxiety for some peeps. I just want to offer some Thanksgiving Thots on what y’all can do to calm TF down and eat some pie.

This advice is also for when someone texts you - like “ugh just feeling like I’m getting really anxious.” DO BETTER than just responding with “aww I’m sorry, let me know if there’s anything I can do.” BARF - I mean no one who has really bad anxiety or is on the verge of an attack is going to text back and ask for some guidance lol wishful thinking. SO what can we do to be a more reliable ~thxgivin’ thot~ ? (see what I did there?) LEMME TELL YA.

If someone calls or texts you about some anxious thoughts they’re having, and they aren’t in a full blown attack, try and ask what is the main thing on their mind that’s causing the anxious thoughts. This helps them redirect their mind from anxiety to thinking “ok what is going on in my head?” When they tell you - don’t just dismiss it as something that isn’t worth being worked up over…news flash WE ALREADY KNOW THAT. That’s one of the most frustrating things about anxiety - we already know that it’s usually ridiculous. INSTEAD, acknowledge the issue at hand, then don’t dwell on it. Begin to help ground them. Ask them what they’re doing. Are they sitting or standing? Are they alone or with people? What do they taste in their mouth? What do they feel beneath their feet? What do they hear around them? What can they feel with their hands? This technique brings the person out of their minds and back to the present room and time. I then try and make a little joke about something they said because I’m wiTtY. (LOL) But, the next thing to do is just help them focus on their breathing.

NOW I’m not saying this always works and it might not be for everyone. It works well for me and I’ve found that it has helped some people in my life. And it’s important to note - if someone is having a full blown panic attack, they’re not going to be able to answer questions - because you know…of the panic. (sry not the right time for jokes lol) If they’re hyperventilating or crying, get them to control their breathing, and then ground them! Or honestly - if you don’t want to try that, sometimes an anxious person just wants to have someone talk to them. It helps take them out of their head.

SO - now that we’re all licensed psychologists - we can get on with our holidays knowing how to be a ~helpful ho ho ho~ (I’ll see myself out) BUT - jokes aside, all we can really do at the end of the day is be a shoulder our loved ones can cry on or lean on or whatever the saying is. JUST BE THERE. - if you can be - self love first boo. Ugh now I’m ranting…idk just offering some FOOD FOR THOUGHT. HAHA I was waiting to use it. ok sry have a great Thanksgiving :’)

Let’s Get Medical

AYOOOOOOOO LIL’ CHERUBS!!!! This is the first post I’m writing on my new website!! OMGGGG YA GURL GOTTA WEBPAGEEE. (Honestly really simple to get one…the internet is way too readily accessible to the damaged and downtrodden). BUT for the first of many times on here…LET’S GABB!

This is a post I’ve been getting asked by a number of people to write (ik my inbox is like Grand Central…miss popularity). Ugh medication is trickayyy. You have people like the lovely @MommaDamics who calls them my happy pills (she ain’t far off) and although she means it all in good humor (bless your heart Beth) it’s important for people to actually understand what medication does for us. (yes, ew I just generalized…for the sake of simplicity, bear with me). On the flip side, you have some that think, “Hmmm just pop some Mgs and your problems are as good as gone.” LMAOOOOO ya ok guys. I know no one here thinks that way…I’ll come for you in a real way. *laughs maniacally* But - the main thing I’m trying to say is that medication is all encompassing and broad and narrow at the same time…complicated, a puzzle, and unexplainably annoying. (yeah I mean basically me) Strap in I gotta lot to say.

Funnily enough, yesterday I had a terrible day! Why? MEDICATION. (more like the lack thereof) So y’all know me, I’m an open book - I got drunk Saturday night with my sis and bro, (SUE ME) got home, and forgot to take my medicine. NOW LISTEN. I’m not someone who forgets their medication simply because I know the repercussions. So this was something that hasn’t happened in a long time - like a year.

I take 150mg of Venlafaxine along with my BC (gtfo babies). Venlafaxine is a generic for Effexor #SaveThatMonayyyy - It’s used to treat depression and is what is known as an SNRI. It basically just helps restore the ~natural~ balance of serotonin. AKA - my happy pills. SO when I don’t take them, all hell breaks loose. Yesterday, I had a massive headache when I woke up. I figured I was dehydrated, drank some water, and thought nothing of it. Then - MASSIVE MOOD SWING. I was all excited about my new skin care routine (I woke up gLoWinG) and then all of the sudden, I picked a fight with Super Hot BF Joe (shoutout to my TCO fans) and we really don’t fight often- like ever. He sensed something was up, but I was on edge and just dismissed it. NEXT, I got dressed and got all emo about my weight. I was in the kitchen with my mom and had a full blown breakdown. I yelled at her, which is SO high school of me, and then I cried uncontrollably. This is when I started to think, “wtf Gab let’s lock it up.” Fast forward to dinner - I ate a full meal and had been hydrating all day, but still felt so light headed after that I thought I was going to collapse. That’s when I finally put the pieces together, went upstairs to check, and realized the mistake. My jaw literally dropped in awe. It scared me how much I spiraled without my medicine for LESS THAN 24 hours.

Now, I understand people are uncomfy talking about themselves in this way, that’s where I come in *insert wild smiley face here* let’s get rid of the stigma and have a GD conversation about this shit because ~news flash~ IT’S REAL. Anyways, it took me a pretty decent amount of time to really find a medicine that worked for me. My mind is finally starting to feel semi normal and positive without having to be positively stimulated - which is a HUGE victory. HOWEVER - now I’m running into the problem of weight gain. What some people don’t know is that a lot of depression medication come with a laundry list of side effects. The first few I took interacted negatively with my BC. Now, I’m finding that even with a healthy diet and working out frequently, I’m not able to lose weight - AND TRUST ME - I’m at a weight where I should be losing SOMETHING, even with minor changes. These are things that can almost always be changing throughout your medication journey. So, I may be back to the drawing board.
In addition to finding a good fit for your bod, there are so many different factors that go into finding what’s good for your situation. Some people take medication situationally. I used to take a pill when needed when I felt anxiety attacks coming on. With some therapy and time to learn more about myself, I rarely find myself reaching for that pill. A lot of people start taking medicine because their mental health changes during a traumatic or major life event and find that they stay on it temporarily, or in my case continuously. THE BOTTOM LINE is that medication is NOTHING to be embarrassed of ashamed of. More people than you think are utilizing it and are able to live healthier lives because of it!!
I rattled off a lot of stuff - like I said it’s #tricky and not as black and white as some think. I’ll leave y’all with this: I see medication as a gateway opportunity. It gives you the ability to positively take your mind back, but it doesn’t happen automatically. A healthy mind starts with the balance of chemicals, but it’s important to develop that through therapy, finding coping strategies, and practicing good mental health habits. This is how you optimize your medication and become an even better person from it! Ugh wow I feel like a straight up GHANDI right now. I hit on a few topics but I know there’s a lot I didn’t cover. If you guys want to hear me blab on about anything else in regards to this topic - give me a shout! Be happy, be healthy, be whole and take your damn meds kids.

p.s. “Some people around you will not understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.” -Paulo Coelho

Nights Like These

Hello all my little cronchy leaves - not feeling cute. Like guys, @roommateMaddie and I are going THROUGH it. Basically depressed out of our MINDS. Not exaggerating either because it pisses me off when people do that!

Going to be super real; it’s not all pretty, so let’s gab! It took all of my physical strength to get out of bed just to shower - YES SHOWER...at 12pm. I’m quarantining like a good little soldier because my MTV cribz has a lil covid scare (better safe than sorry). So what do I do?! Online shop for things I don’t need. I just got some goodies in the mail and spoiler alert: I still want to launch myself off the edge of the Grand Canyon. I did a full face of makeup, cleaned my sheets, made a healthy dinner, and EVEN applied to more jobs.

WELL - I’m here to tell you guys that sometimes, you just feel like shit and no amount of new clothes, clean sheets, or yummy food can make you feel better! Wow, who knew you actually have to face your problems :’) (dear God help me) Honestly, I think I’m just going to put on a mindless show and allow myself to veg out for the night. I can’t even tell you how much I didn’t want to write this post - but I can’t let all down (at least not YET). Ugh - going to channel my inner Moira Rose, pop some Advil PM and wake up with a better attitude.

You can’t win em all - BUT imagine how much more miserable I’d be if I didn’t push myself to do the bare minimum for the day!! I mean it sucked and it didn’t make me feel BETTER but it didn’t allow myself to just wallow. So I mean - I guess keep your heads up! Sorry I’m really not feeling the creative juices rn. I’ll post something exciting during the weekend (probably not). LOL optimism is ~moderately low~

Let me know if you guys have good coping strategies to keep you from losing your mind! 🙂 don’t get me wrong - I’m usually not this bad, but the lockdown doesn’t help. Once I get out of this I’ll post some real inspiring piece about how I made it through and I’m so much better because of it. LOLLL but I need to actually get through it first...wish me luck!

P.S. “There is nothing more beautiful than when you prove to yourself just how strong you are.”

Season’s Greetings

Buona sera all my peanut butter cups!! There’s that familiar nip(ple) in the air that brings such beautiful memories of warm coffee with fuzzy socks on and a new morning’s frost...ONLY this season brings more than just T.J.Maxx fleece blankets. Say a heartfelt welcome to ~seasonal depression~ or as I like to call it - advanced sadness 🙂.

Ahhh yes, the days are shorter and the darkness isn’t just outside anymore! Honestly though, the days never feel as long as they do during this time...here we go about to get in the feels - and a 5, 6, 7, 8 - UGH seasonal depression is hard for me to even explain. Everyone and their mother claims to have seasonal depression, so why are you special right? WRONG. I can’t stand this mentality. NO ONE ELSE’S FEELINGS TAKE AWAY FROM YOUR OWN. This isn’t some competition to see who can explain how they’re the most depressed. BUT at the same time, please refrain from throwing the saying around like a bad joke because the sad reality is, for some of us, it actually is a bad joke. Like ok Sarah, we all felt down because it was raining on Tuesday, but stop telling me that you “get it” when I say that I can’t get out of bed to get more water even when my lips are cracking open because the weight of my own thoughts are holding me down! WOAH. Got a little HEAVAY.

Yeah, the bad moments suck, I’m not even above them. (I desperately need to take a shower...if that puts it into perspective.) But guys - the main thing to remember is you’re not alone. We all know a “Sarah” (no shade to any Sarah’s I know I swear) that claim to “get it.” Even though she doesn’t (lol) use the people that are trying to support you and let them. Push yourself extra hard this time of year. Don’t let the sadness compile because moving a hill is easier than moving a mountain - same goes for the mental obstacles.

So go shit, shower, and shave...maybe throw on something ~tantalizing~ for the grocery store and make an extra strong hot toddy. You know you can always gab with me about the issues because I’ll make you feel somewhat normal *crazy laughs to self*...SO LADIES AND GENTS, slap a wreath on my ass and call me Saint Nick; I am ready for the holidays!!!

P.S. a quick big thank you to everyone who’s been reaching out on social media and texts...goes to show what a positive impact this blog is making and it WARMS MY BIG FAT HEART!!!

P.P.S. “I was only able to start changing my life when I realized my depression was not a malfunction. It’s a signal. Your depression is a signal. It’s telling you something.” - Johann Hari

Y’all Need Jesus

Hello my little French croissants!!! I want to just say, “OH MAH STARS I AM SO BLESSED!!” (If you really know me you know how that would have sounded.) But WOW - the overwhelming amount of support I’ve gotten through my new insta page?!?! Who knew you guys had it in ya - jk I am so appreciative and people folllowed me that I didn’t even know read, let alone CARED about my 2am thoughts spewed into the worldwide web-universe! SO WOW - THANK YOU🥺.

Aight, enough of the sappy shit. I just got back from being in the motherland and it was much needed. I read through some old journals (yikes) and looked through some old pics (bigger yikes). Being surrounded by the fam was a blessing, AND IMPORTANTLY, gave me the strength I needed to biggity bounce it all the way back to Boston. Ayooo! - ew stop me please.

ANYWHO - because of quarantimes, I haven’t graced the lord with my presence in quite some time - literally and figuratively. I have been so spiritually absent and LAWD lemme tell you I got #blessed with Beth, Rick, et al on Sunday.

Now listen - I am, BY NO MEANS, Mother Theresa, or even a distant non-blood relative to her, but I’ve been known to get down with the Holy Ghost every now and again. What I got from church was a sense of calmness. There is a really nice feeling of togetherness, not even with the people around you, but within yourself. (For me at least - if you fall asleep in church, I get it)

Religion is tricky. I have qualms with the church about many things, but Jesus? He and I are cool. It’s important to remember that you don’t need to be in a crusty building sitting in an uncomfortable wooden bench to find Him either. FOR ME - that’s how I was raised and taught to summon my spiritual believes, so that’s what’s familiar. But hey, if you find some spiritual wokeness in a Taco Bell parking lot - all the power to ya.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that having something to believe in is a good thing. It can be anything really. If you want to believe in a god, multiple gods, a greater good, or even just a future of happiness, then DO IT. There is no right or wrong way to become spritually at one with yourself - as long as you’re doing it to better your internal well-being.

So get off of Tinder and go metitate in a Home Goods or wherever you feel whole - it can do some heeling you didn’t realize you needed! Get ~holy~ with it and don’t forget to keep on smilin’ AYOOO - seriously someone stop me.

P.s. “You can’t change the past and you can’t predict the future, but you can ruin the present by worrying about them both.”

Home Sweet Home

Hello all my little spooky gourds! I'm coming to you live from the 315!! Yes - I've ventured home for a bit. I was super adamant on staying in Boston and being all, "Mom, you sweet thing, I'm an ADULT so I can handle turmoil all on my own!" LOL I mean who was I kidding? I'm still the equivalent of a 9 year old kid lost in a Walmart. 

So yeah, this was a tough pill to swallow. It's been almost a full month without a job and the prospects are looking QUITE DISMAL. Even the positions that excite me are all remote (kill me). All I want is a routine work life with a steady income to support me and my damn cat! (Arch gets super high maintenance this time of year.) I don't think that's too much to ask for. WELL it is. Okay I'm done being all "woah is me."

On another note - @RoommateMaddie and I have come to the conclusion that when you have no responsibilities, every day is a Saturday! (aka super dangerous on the liver) I've been trying to only limit drinking to the weekends to keep my life semi on track, but when you get 11 rejection emails on a Tuesday morning, sometimes a glass of red (bottle) won't hurt anyone.

*Nervously sweats because this isn't really funny* Sorry buddies, I'm trying to find the balance between sanity and completely LOSING ALL MY MARBLES. And honestly I have like 5 drafts of posts that I've started writing and didn't finish because - big surprise - procrastination is a hugeeee side effect of my depression!!! WOOOOH. I also have word vomit right now - I'm trying to stay on track, gimme a second here.

ANYWAYS, what I wanted to talk about is, "being honest with yourself is the best way to get through whatever you're going through." -Aristotle probably. I'm not going to lie to you guys - this part of the puzzle sucks - it's messy and it's easy to just give up. But, accepting that being with family is the best therapy (at least for me) is a step in the right direction. I mean guys, if you want to cry, then CRY. Who are we all trying to keep it together for? Sometimes the best way is to really let yourself feel it. Ignoring the problems right in front of you does not make them disappear. (take it from someone who tries...A LOT).

My promise to you guys is that I'm going to be real. So, yeah this part sucks, but I'm hanging in there. Remember to check in on your buddies AND sometimes the people that hurt the most are the best at smiling through it. Never assume that someone is perfectly fine!!! 

P.S. If ya'll think I should make an instagram page for this let me know!! 

P.P.S. "In the end, everything will be okay. If it's not okay, it's not yet the end." - Fernando Sabino 

Who IS She?

Heyyyyyyy all you cool ca- nope not even going to say it. ^indicator of how this weekend has been! ...wait I think it’s Friday. Wow I guess the days really melt together when you’ve got nothing going on! *nervous laughs*

ANYWAYS. Hey buddies - I’ve spent the last few days doing some deep reflecting...internally but also literally, by looking at myself in the mirror. (There’s that gab whit we all know and love) YIKES. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lived in the cycle of hating my body, wanting to change my body, feeling too depressed about actually acting to change my body, then accepting what I am as meh.

I don’t care what shape, size, or gender you are; at some point in your life I’m sure you looked in the mirror and wished you could change something. Is this a bad thing? Only if you let it be. AYOO Gab’s about to hit you with it.

Body dysmorphia is the most painful mind game in this life. I’ll be honest (that’s why I made the damn blog) I got on the scale Monday morning and I cried. BALLED LIKE A DAMN BABY. I’ve never seen a number that high...in my mind only a man could weigh that much! This was a huge step for me because I haven’t weighted myself in months. I would avoid that number like the plague. When I went to doctor’s visits, I’d tell them not to show me what the scale said because in my mind - that number was toxic.

Well here’s the real truth kids - that number (along with your size) is only as powerful as you let it be. With lots of support from super hot bf Joe (my TCO people know what’s up) I was able to make a decision to change my lifestyle. I grew tired of letting my WEIGHT determine my mood for the day. Instead of hiding from it and ignoring it - I am tackling it head on.

HOWEVER - that’s just how I’m making a change in my life. I’m excited to get to a place where I’m good with my image. But don’t get me wrong - I’m still a hot piece of ass right now...I just would like to be so without 2 chins and wearing those jeans I bought last May. Bottom line is that you need to take control of your body image in a healthy way and be happy with who you are. You’re acceptance is the only one that’s going to matter in the end.

BOOM MIC DROP! Ugh got myself feeling like Robin Williams over here; rest in power you magical man. But I didn’t want to go on too deep about this topic. It effects everyone so differently. There’s no right way to “fix” the way you see yourself. Practice self love and taking care of yourself INSIDE and out. Just know that as long as you’re healthy and happy with your body - WORK THAT ASS because oh honey God gave you that ass so you best be using it!

Inspo quote of the week: “you deserve the love you keep trying to give to everyone else.”

Fûckbøÿ in a Pandemic?

Que PASTA my lovely cherubs! I thought I’d change it up a little for this one and talk about luvvvvvv 💕 (kill me) I’ve tapped into some local heroes (my friends) for input on the topic since I’m in the .009% of success rate of finding love in a hopeless place. (Thank u Riri)

Yes - I will keep this short because I hate people like me that are “happy in love” ...barf - BUT he’s my best friend’s cousin, that’s how I found him at first. When I saw how beautiful he was, I basically slid into my man’s DMs and was like “u up” but in a cute way. Then after a couple months of pandering him about what we were he asked me out in a Taco Bell parking lot🥺. Truly a modern day love story. (No I’m not kidding and no I wouldn’t change a DAMN thing) He’s perfect and I get to be all of my weird and crazy self with him!

HOWEVER. Hold your aw’s and ooh’s! I didn’t become a regular Princess Dianna (rest in POWER you GODDESS) overnight - I put up with my FAIR SHARE of absolute garbage men. I said what I said. I was on the tinder and all of the other apps at some point, so I got all of the “girl you finer than a bowl of oatmeal” messages (only usually more mysoginistic and graphic). SO I GET IT.

A good gal pal of mine, Erica has been through the ebbs and flows - the highs and lows of my dating life. I’ve been stood up, ghosted, and mildly stalked at one point. We’ve been through it together. I asked her about her experience dating, especially in a pandemic. In the beautiful words of my sexy single gf,

“ They love to start with “what’s up” and when you tell them what’s up they don’t respond.”

So guys, wtf. ONE - don’t ask “what’s up” that’s basically like saying “I don’t care, I don’t want to talk, I don’t give a damn.” Put in the damn effort men - NAY BOYS. ALSO - stop asking women to to meet you at your “crib” it’s creepy and does NOT bode well with us.

On the flippity flop side - I have an ~anonymous~ source telling me that dating in a pandemic doesn’t offer many other places to swoon your lady than at the bachelor pad. I definitely see both sides of it, SO WHAT DO WE DO? We compromise kids - yes you swoon her through the texts, send her compliments via a nice phone call, and work your way to a couple facetimes. If she’s been to your place virtually - then asking her to actually come over for a first date doesn’t seem as threatening in her eyes...yes this is what it’s come to.

Not that I’m a regular Cassenova, but I mean I don’t think it hurts to put yourself out there at any time! Even if we’re in a national crisis (I just panic laughed out loud) I’m basically someone who threw herself out there - like full on catapulted into open air. And remember to be open, honest, and real. A good pal of mine Brendan mentioned, “it’s not the rona that’ll get you, it’s the false advertising.” Basically meaning, don’t be a fake ass hoe.

I’m getting tired of hearing my own voice as I write - so I’m leaving it here. BUT please comment any other romance advice for the followers! Keep it real and I’ll chat soon.

P.s. inspo quote -

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” - Robin Williams

The Witching Hour

 Hey all you cooky crackheads out there - it's ya girl not knowing how to start a new post!

Anyways - I have gotten an overwhelming amount of positive feedback and encouragement and let me just go ahead and say YOU’RE WELCOME. lol kidding...I really appreciate all of the nice comments and what not, I DO IT FOR MY FANS ahh there I go again, sorry.

I thought I’d ride this train while I’m on it though, and continue the Covid conversation. Now that I’m #funemployed there is really no structure in my day to day, which is, for a lack of better words, downright TERRIFYING. You mean to tell me that I’m the only person in charge of myself? That’s a sick joke! Lucky for me - my roommate, Maddie is also riding the sans job bus (pls hire us), so we get to not only be sad, but get this, sad ~together~. Yes this is semi depressing (trust me we’ve faced the reality together too) but the main point I’m trying to make ISSSS supportiveness = important(ive)ness™️

I’m not going to lie - being unemployed SUCKS. I have applied for well over 100 jobs in the less than one week I’ve been let go and it’s a goddam DOG EAT DOG WORLD KIDS. Ugh. I’ve only heard back from a handful of places - seeing as it’s the middle of a national pandemic. I also want to mention, my friends have been a super awesome support system for me in this time, but to remind everyone: be a friend to get a friend. Check in on your buddies, especially when you know they’re going through it. Don’t look at them and think they need their space and what not; WE DON’T. You have no idea how far a little text goes to let someone know you’re thinking about them. Aw :’)

I’m currently finishing this and it’s 2:08 in the am! If you’re lucky like me, you can make it to 3:00 in the morning, which is commonly referred to as the witching hour. Ohhh spooky season🤪👻 but anyways, If you’re anything like me (oof) then you find some of your darkest moments at night. I use writing and my cat to keep my head on straight - but find your things that keep you in the realm of positivity. Having something to keep your mind active is much more effective than you may realize at the time. (I’ve taken up making friendship bracelets...Etsy shop TBD) I’d love for any and all of you guys to share your late night coping strategies in the comments! I sometimes knit...I’ve been knitting the same thing for 4 years (meaning I'm not good at it...I just keeps me busy). Other times - I like to clean because this gets me on my feet and out of my bed. In previous situations - when I’ve had bad thoughts, I found it helpful to take ice and rub it between my hands and a little on my arms. For someone who has ever experienced bad urges, this can be a calming sensory coping technique that one of my ~therapists~ told me about!

Anyways, now I’m ranting. I don’t like to be preachy because who am I to tell anyone anything- just yesterday I realized I had my shirt on backwards at CVS. I like to put the ass in class if ya know what I’m saying. BUT, that’s all I want to ramble about for right now. Please keep sending ideas about new posts - I’ve got nothing but time and minimal motivation so imma keep writing as long as yall keep reading!

I’ll leave you with something motivational from my quotes app:

“Instead of saying I’m damaged, I’m broken. Say, I’m healing, I’m rediscovering myself, I’m starting over.”

Let’s Vibe

Sup mah dudes! These things are always awkward to start...I don't want to feel like I'm giving a weird support group introduction about myself. A quick overview though - I'm 23 and I do have anxiety and depression. I am also #medicated woohoo! Yeah I'm on that good good. My mom had once referred to them as my happy pills and I think that's more fun to think of than my daily intake of chemicals that my body so sadly lacks. (I'm definitely going to talk about medications at some point, strap in.) 

Through counseling and learning a lot of different coping mechanisms, I feel pretty comfortable talking about my own experiences and I've eventually worked up enough courage to write about them! I hope you find my humor as a refreshing addition to this usually very rigid topic of conversation. I don't mean to make fun or discount anything, I just like to use humor to help myself get through things. And trust me when I say I know that some days are less funny than others. 

SO anyways, I'll just write this like I talk - hope that's cool.

I am here because, like so many people, I am so done - no - FED UP with quarantine and that's the quaranTEA. Obviously, I'm keeping my social distance, wearing a mask, and being smart. What I mean is that my mental health is at an all time liggity LOW right now. Being stuck inside and told that I'll be working from home until basically the grave, SUCKSSSS. The lines between work life and personal life are so blurred at this point, I basically have no separation of the two. I get messages and emails at 9pm? LET ME ANSWER. Ugh it's so bad, I hate it. 

I'll be honest, since March, I've been rocking that "I just got hit by a bus and dragged for 2 miles" look until about 1:00pm most days. I pretty much wake up looking like a cave woman emerging from the dark depths of her whole. If you're like me, you're a "look good, feel good" kind of gal. LOL THAT'S SOME BULLSHIT. I've been working in PJs for 6 months and feel 

***Record scratch***

SO  - I started writing this post on Wednesday night...Thursday morning I was fired. Straight up dropped like a bad habit. I want this blog to be authentic and real. I stopped in the middle of a sentence to go to bed and just as abruptly my life was disrupted as well. 

I'm not going to lie - there is nothing pretty about getting fired. I kind of want to throw out the "it's a new opportunity!"  BS and get real. Even though it is a new opportunity (blah blah blah), for the better half of the weekend I felt like I was sucker punched in the gut. I cried the ugly cry, stayed in bed for an undesirable amount of time, and successfully slept for 12 hours a couple nights in a row. 

Having anxiety/depression on their own suck, but when something major like this happens in your life, it's even worse. Finally, there's an excuse for not wanting to talk to anyone, do anything, or leave the apartment. For a little while - people will give you the space you want because you're "going through it." Trust me when I say it feels like an easy out, but it's not. Do not let yourself fall down a hole you can't get out of. Fake the smiles for as long as it takes to make them real. One obstacle will not keep you from growing. I just saw a quote this morning and I am OBSESSED. 

"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose." - Wayne Dyer

Fuck yeah Wayne. I love a good quote to slap me in the face. Even though everything is easier said than done, try to keep the serotonin at a good level. I'm talking like - my roommate and I were considering putting the Christmas decorations up this week. WHATEVER IT TAKES. Get weird, get wild, get HAPPY. 

Although untraditional, I feel like this was a good start to my blog - NAY our blog (aw :')) I've gotten a lot of really great suggestions of topics to cover over the course of writing, so I will definitely make it a point to incorporate them all. Please feel free to message me on instagram or leave a comment on this post to let me know what else  you want to see!

For now - Imma get through this shit one way or another so strap in for the journey. 

P.S. sorry for my spastic writing - convinced I have a little bit of ADD in me as well...if you can follow along, all the power to ya. Let's vibe.